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Life's Transitions

11/7/2016

2 Comments

 
Women have a tendency to take on many roles throughout their lives.  I am no exception.  I have been a daughter, child, first-born, friend, student, wife, mother, activist, home school mom, teacher, leader, writer, photographer, entrepreneur, mentor, caregiver, and more.  Yet, suddenly, I find myself drifting, in search of a new role--one that will fulfill me in this part of my life.
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I didn't ever think I was a woman who defined herself by her children.  I was ambivalent about having children in the first place, since I was the first of five, and was given a lot of responsibility at home growing up.  When babies did arrive, I loved them more than I imagined.  And I tried to do whatever I could to help them learn and grow healthy and strong in body and mind.  Besides choosing to home school them, I also earned my MA and worked as a teacher for several years to help provide post-secondary education, which is a story for another day.  I taught in many different settings--home, charter, private, elementary, junior high, high school, and university.  I even co-founded a private school. 

Now my children are self-sufficient, and I am rethinking my life.  I thought of myself as an educator.  I was a teacher and mentor, in one way or another, for over twenty years.  But last spring, I walked away from all of that.  I had experienced a few traumatic years, physically and emotionally, and I felt I needed time to heal and refresh myself.  I fully intended to return to education.  In fact, my plans were to finish a set of curriculum books, do workshops and classes, and build my own mentoring business. 

And then, I couldn't do it.  I tried all summer to edit the first book, which has been close to publication for three years.  I couldn't focus for longer than an hour or so at a time.  I wanted to write other things--novels, poetry, travel articles, family history.  Forcing myself didn't work, even for these "fun" projects. 

I read and thought and slept and "wasted time."  My spirit was drained and my soul was exhausted.  I tried to go to my core books, to exercise, to eat properly, but all I wanted to do was "rest." 

At first, I wasn't worried.  My enthusiasm for life and love of learning would return.  But it didn't. 

Finally, after a few months, I did worry.  I tried to remember the last time I was happy.  I wondered who I really was.  Many of my roles didn't fit very well any more.  I hired a friend, a health and nutrition coach, to help me out of my funk.  Even though I was paying her, I didn't want to do everything she told me to.  I wanted more of a say in my own life, which seemed to be a theme coming up in lots of areas.

We have learned to compromise with each other.  The mental and physical healing is coming.  I am now searching my heart for my true self.  For my true self now.  In this moment. 

I registered for an adult ballet class.  And I have a photography mentor.  I enjoyed a healing vacation with my husband--and another with my son.  I signed up for NaNoWriMo.  And I am cleaning out my house--each room and closet.  I still have days I don't do what I think I want to do.  But I am learning to ask myself why.  I am starting to listen to my mind, my heart, and my body. 

Stay tuned for more on my journey of discovery. 
2 Comments
Desarae
11/8/2016 03:49:51 pm

Another flower blossoming on your already beautiful tree.

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Bonnie
11/9/2016 09:33:07 am

Merci beaucoup! :*

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    Author

    Bonjour!  I'm Bonnie.  I love learning, travel, reading, writing, photography, and all things French.  I'm especially passionate about Cultural education, Agency education, and using history as the hook for all learning.  Photo creds are also mine, unless otherwise noted. 

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