Women have a tendency to take on many roles throughout their lives. I am no exception. I have been a daughter, child, first-born, friend, student, wife, mother, activist, home school mom, teacher, leader, writer, photographer, entrepreneur, mentor, caregiver, and more. Yet, suddenly, I find myself drifting, in search of a new role--one that will fulfill me in this part of my life.
I didn't ever think I was a woman who defined herself by her children. I was ambivalent about having children in the first place, since I was the first of five, and was given a lot of responsibility at home growing up. When babies did arrive, I loved them more than I imagined. And I tried to do whatever I could to help them learn and grow healthy and strong in body and mind. Besides choosing to home school them, I also earned my MA and worked as a teacher for several years to help provide post-secondary education, which is a story for another day. I taught in many different settings--home, charter, private, elementary, junior high, high school, and university. I even co-founded a private school.
Now my children are self-sufficient, and I am rethinking my life. I thought of myself as an educator. I was a teacher and mentor, in one way or another, for over twenty years. But last spring, I walked away from all of that. I had experienced a few traumatic years, physically and emotionally, and I felt I needed time to heal and refresh myself. I fully intended to return to education. In fact, my plans were to finish a set of curriculum books, do workshops and classes, and build my own mentoring business.
And then, I couldn't do it. I tried all summer to edit the first book, which has been close to publication for three years. I couldn't focus for longer than an hour or so at a time. I wanted to write other things--novels, poetry, travel articles, family history. Forcing myself didn't work, even for these "fun" projects.
I read and thought and slept and "wasted time." My spirit was drained and my soul was exhausted. I tried to go to my core books, to exercise, to eat properly, but all I wanted to do was "rest."
At first, I wasn't worried. My enthusiasm for life and love of learning would return. But it didn't.
Finally, after a few months, I did worry. I tried to remember the last time I was happy. I wondered who I really was. Many of my roles didn't fit very well any more. I hired a friend, a health and nutrition coach, to help me out of my funk. Even though I was paying her, I didn't want to do everything she told me to. I wanted more of a say in my own life, which seemed to be a theme coming up in lots of areas.
We have learned to compromise with each other. The mental and physical healing is coming. I am now searching my heart for my true self. For my true self now. In this moment.
I registered for an adult ballet class. And I have a photography mentor. I enjoyed a healing vacation with my husband--and another with my son. I signed up for NaNoWriMo. And I am cleaning out my house--each room and closet. I still have days I don't do what I think I want to do. But I am learning to ask myself why. I am starting to listen to my mind, my heart, and my body.
Stay tuned for more on my journey of discovery.
Now my children are self-sufficient, and I am rethinking my life. I thought of myself as an educator. I was a teacher and mentor, in one way or another, for over twenty years. But last spring, I walked away from all of that. I had experienced a few traumatic years, physically and emotionally, and I felt I needed time to heal and refresh myself. I fully intended to return to education. In fact, my plans were to finish a set of curriculum books, do workshops and classes, and build my own mentoring business.
And then, I couldn't do it. I tried all summer to edit the first book, which has been close to publication for three years. I couldn't focus for longer than an hour or so at a time. I wanted to write other things--novels, poetry, travel articles, family history. Forcing myself didn't work, even for these "fun" projects.
I read and thought and slept and "wasted time." My spirit was drained and my soul was exhausted. I tried to go to my core books, to exercise, to eat properly, but all I wanted to do was "rest."
At first, I wasn't worried. My enthusiasm for life and love of learning would return. But it didn't.
Finally, after a few months, I did worry. I tried to remember the last time I was happy. I wondered who I really was. Many of my roles didn't fit very well any more. I hired a friend, a health and nutrition coach, to help me out of my funk. Even though I was paying her, I didn't want to do everything she told me to. I wanted more of a say in my own life, which seemed to be a theme coming up in lots of areas.
We have learned to compromise with each other. The mental and physical healing is coming. I am now searching my heart for my true self. For my true self now. In this moment.
I registered for an adult ballet class. And I have a photography mentor. I enjoyed a healing vacation with my husband--and another with my son. I signed up for NaNoWriMo. And I am cleaning out my house--each room and closet. I still have days I don't do what I think I want to do. But I am learning to ask myself why. I am starting to listen to my mind, my heart, and my body.
Stay tuned for more on my journey of discovery.
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